I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
