Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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