Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
