Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
