I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
