just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
whose parrot is this?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
