i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
