new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
