i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
