party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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