I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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