He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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