It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
