Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
