who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize