youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
