did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
