my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wish there were birth control emojis
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
