Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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