He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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