Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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