dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
