I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
