well you can't waste a boner
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize