Where is the hickey?
babies were throwing up all over the place
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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