non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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