Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
