rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
