The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
