I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
