saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
