my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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