i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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