Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
