sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
