Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
