She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
splinters make it hard to masturbate
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't deserve a penis
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
