Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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