if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
