Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
