This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
