I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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