I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
