my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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