Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
