I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
