you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need to calm my uterus...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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