My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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