I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
