you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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