you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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