Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
