Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
