Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
