my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize