Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
