Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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