Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
